Thursday, December 9, 2010

Internet Soup

There are a multitude of roles the Internet plays in our lives, from matchmaker to medical doctor to sexual entertainer to private investigator to plagiarism aid and so on. Seeing as there are only 16 "shopping days" left 'til Christmas it seems appropriate to talk about just one of these functions today, my own favorite, the internet as personal marketplace. Here's how it works:
 +  =
This system gives me chills. The onset of this train of thought came after making the decision to begin working toward my latest life goal, that being to only wear clothing emblazoned with the American flag in some shape or form. I've had a hankerin' for a pair of Old Glory Chuck Taylors ever since I saw them in a Paris shoe store, but ironically, could never find them in the States. So I did what any logical person would do: searched for the object of my desire. It took me about 3 minutes to abandon the hunt for shoes, and I have this item to thank for it: ---------------------------------------------------------> Hubba. Hubba. At the bottom of the page, Amazon informed me that customers who bought this item also bought...

1. This Bad Ass Pair of                  2. Fantasy Unicorn T-shirt             3. Book: "How to Live With A Huge Penis:
              Zubaz                                Not as self-explanatory                    Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom
Ah yes, Zubaz, of course.               as the Zubaz, but they share                    For Men Who Have Too Much"
Anyone buyin' those patriotic            similiar ironic value so I will               Alright, hold the phone. Red flag.
hammerpants pictured above           accept this item as making                                  Huge Red Flag.
are definitely gonna need                  sense in this grouping.....
a classic pair of zubaz up in
their wardrobe...

At this point I found it necessary to pause from my online shopping spree to attempt to process this bit of information relayed to me by's statistical database. I did not know if I should be feeling terror or amusement or a combination of both. I reviewed the facts in order to solve this emotional conundrum:
People (presumably men) who are purchasing American flag Zubaz are also buying a book about having a huge penis . So am I safe to believe that there are men out there who go on Amazon and say to themselves, "Okey doke, I've got my USA Zubaz, check, and now to add my huge penis book to my shopping cart, *click*, there we are, and I think that'll do it, I'm ready to proceed to the check-out." Furthermore, there are enough men sitting at their computers, repeating the previous sentence, maybe not even conscious that they are doing so, that it creates a spike on Amazon's "suggested items" graph. I don't even want to think about how the Unicorn Tee fits into this equation. The most puzzling issue of all though, is how anyone could think living with a "huge penis" is a problem. A problem so troubling that it requires advice, wisdom, and mediation. I was dumbfounded. I needed more clues to help me make sense out of all this. So, I scrolled down and looked at the "Frequently Bought Together" items for the huge wang book. This effort totally backfired, only adding to my befuddlement. My findings:

Frequently Bought Together

Huge Penis Book +  Bill Clinton Corkscrew + FLM Shrinky Dink Toilet Snake Brooch

Hey! How'd that get in there? The plot thickened. I decided to give it one more go and clicked on the toilet snake brooch....

Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought

Okay, now I'm pulling your leg. There is no reasonable explanation for why there are hordes of men with ginormous, problematic shlongers donning American flag Zubaz and opening their wine bottles with Bill Clinton's corkscrewey johnson just as their is no reasonable explanation why I am questioning the perversity of all of the above while simultaneously hocking shrinky dink pins beseeching the public to "FEED TERRI." The best thing to do is:
1. Accept the world as being a crazy place.
2. Buy my awesome, perverted wares for your loved ones for Christmas.
3. Make soup.
So, friends, if you are looking for a handmade item to present to your Mom this holiday season, contact me. I make awesome shit. End of story. Onto the soup.

Autumn Minestrone
adapted from "Moosewood Restaurant Daily Special"
Total time: 1 hour   
Serves 6-8 
2 T. safflower oil (or other high heat oil)
1 cup chopped onions
3+ garlic cloves (whenever a recipe calls for garlic I usually double it because I like bad breath and farting)
2 1/2 cups peeled and cubed winter squash (I used butternut)
1/2 cups peeled and diced carrots
2 1/2 cups cubed potatoes
1 t. dried basil
2 t. sea salt
1/2 t. freshly ground black pepper
6 cups water
4 cups chopped kale
1 1/2 cups cooked beans (I used a mixture of black and white, cuz it don't matter if yer beans are black or white)
A bucketful of venison

Warm the oil in a large soup pot on medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, and sauté for 5 minutes. Add the squash, carrots, potatoes, basil, salt and pep, and water, and cook for 30 minutes or until the taters are about done. Add the kale and beans and simmer for another 7 minutes, 'til the kale is tender and the beans are hot. Dump in bucketful of venison and simmer til cooked through. *
Serve immediately. MMMmmmmmm.
*Note: If any of you are familiar with Moosewood, you know they are veterinarians so this part was obviously not part of the original recipe. But if any of you know Mike Cole, you know he eats more meat than African lions, so this addition is thanks to him.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas Mail & Sexy Dancing

Okay, kiddies, it's long over due to reach into the ol' Free Lauren Marsella mail bag. Lemme just dig around here...doesn't seem to be much of anything as usual....oh! wait wait, I've got my hands on something now, there we go, what do we have here? Oooo, a letter from the Institute of Contemporary Art in Philadelphia, this oughta be good...

Oh, gee whiz, that there's not so good then is it, eh? Okay, let's keep digging and hopefully we'll turn up something more, eh,  forward-looking...hmm how about this then? Yes...

Now, isn't that something? This Finnish taxi driver is workin' the night shift, yet he still has the gumption to write me this nice postcard with some brief thoughts on MJ. There is a God, Heather be Thy name. Aside from Heather Locklear, I also have a great website for letterwriters like myself, to thank for this. It's called Postcrossing. If ya wanna send and receive postcards from all around Planet Earth, I suggest you sign up pronto. It's free!
Speaking of postcard writing, I have 5 packs of FLM Christmas Celebrity Mug shot postcards left in my sac of toys. Who wouldn't be delighted to wake up on a beautiful White Christmas morn to find Tupac Shakur or Paul Reubens' delightful criminal scowl inside their freshly snow-blanketed mailbox? 

Other mugs include MJ, OJ, Mickey Rourke, James Brown, Larry King, Sid Vicious, & more! Packs come in sets of ten different cards, complete with crime specs on the reverse side. As with the 2011 calendars, simply e-mail me at to order. 
And now I leave you with too-short Youtube clip, because there's no better way to say "TGIF" than with "Heather Locklear Sexy Dancing"